


a safe place to land

by ksmalltalk



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck 1.0, Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff, M/M, Pining, so so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:40:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24664771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksmalltalk/pseuds/ksmalltalk
Summary: Falling in love never seemed like an option. Eddie Diaz didn’t leave him much of a choice..Known infamously for his aversion to commitment, the last thing Buck accounts for is falling for his co-worker. But as his feelings grow for a man who safeguards his heart, Buck soon realizes that he may have to have enough courage for the both of them in order to secure a future he feels they're destined to have.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 62
Kudos: 299





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on the song "honest man" by ben platt aka one of the most buddie-esque songs in existence. thank you mara (@sulkybbarnes on tumblr) for the inspiration to write a fic off this gorgeous song! i hope you and anyone else reading it enjoys!

_You're so afraid of tomorrow  
So you build your walls up today  
You won't believe that you're ready  
But I'd never lead you astray_

Buck’s phone vibrates on the table, making his fork rattle. He glances at the screen and sees he’s got yet another match. His phone has been going off nonstop between matches and messages for days, even at work. Now that they’re seated for lunch, it becomes all the more apparent.

“I swear, if your phone buzzes one more time I’m chucking it off the loft,” Chimney warns jokingly beside him. At least Buck thinks he’s kidding anyway.

“What can I say? I’m a very popular guy. I can’t help it if I’m in high demand.”

There are eye rolls and groans all around the table. The sound drowns out the approach of footsteps up the stairs. Buck startles when he hears someone a few feet away clear their throat.

“Hi, I’m sorry to interrupt. I’m looking for Captain Nash,” the man says.

Buck gives him the once over, unable to stop himself from doing so. The stranger is wearing a fitted black t-shirt that highlights his considerable build. Buck sits up a bit straighter in his seat, his interest suddenly piqued.

Bobby rises from his seat at the head of the table and walks over to the latest addition to the group, his hand outstretched.

“Ah, you must be Eddie Diaz.”

“Yes, sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Buck watches as the men shake hands. Bobby breaks first, placing a friendly hand on Eddie’s shoulder as he faces the group.

“Alright, team, listen up. This is Eddie Diaz, the newest recruit for the 118, up from Texas. We’re pretty lucky to have him. He was an Army medic for a few tours in Afghanistan. Silver Star and all.”

Buck looks over at everyone seated around the table. Hen’s brows lift and Chim seems just as impressed. Eddie seems slightly embarrassed by all the attention and Buck finds his humility endearing. He comes with an impressive resumé right off the bat but he looks as if he would rather no one know about his achievements.

Once more Buck’s eyes roam over Eddie’s frame. It’s such a subconscious thing that he doesn’t realize he’s doing it until his eyes catch on to Eddie’s. He looks away quickly but he knows it’s too late. He’s already been busted. Eddie comes closer to the table to shake hands and make personal introductions with the crew. When he gets to Buck, he smiles warmly and Buck mirrors the expression.

“I’m Eddie, nice to meet you.”

“Buck. Likewise.” He shakes Eddie’s hand and feels a tug in the pit of his stomach. It’s not a feeling Buck gets very often, if ever, which is why a flag goes up in his mind. Reluctantly he lets go of Eddie’s hand.

“We’re just grabbing a bite. Have a seat and fix yourself a plate,” Bobby says, gesturing to the table as he sits back down.

Eddie settles in across the table from Buck, making it the most difficult family lunch for Buck to get through. He spends half his time sizing Eddie up and the other portion fielding messages from dating apps and trying to keep up with the conversation at the table.

“Now, now, Buck,” Chim chides after a bit. “No phones at the table. It’s family time.”

Hen laughs. “The ladies of Los Angeles are just going to have to wait a little while longer for you to comment on their pictures.”

Buck rolls his eyes but tucks his phone into his pocket. “Happy? If I miss out on the love of my life, I’ll have you guys to blame for it.”

“Do you really think you’re gonna find the future Mrs. Buckley on one of those things? Aren’t those apps just meant for hooking up?” Hen notes.

Buck shrugs and helps himself to his last bite of Bobby’s homemade lasagna, clearing his plate as he always does. Bobby is hands down the best cook he’s ever met. Even surprise dishes turn out to be things Buck finds himself getting second helpings of.

“Fair point but I’ve got to pass the time until the right one comes along somehow, don’t I?”

“Oh, to be a reckless twenty-something,” Chim sing-songs.

The conversation branches out further, the team asking Eddie questions about Texas and how he’s fairing since moving to California. From what Buck can gather about him already is that the guy doesn’t much like having a spotlight on him. He answers questions precisely, never giving too much away. Buck has always liked a challenge and a mystery. And with Eddie, neither is in short supply.

The alarm blares as they’re clearing away the table. Eddie freezes, looking unsure of what do with himself as the team around him jumps into action, a well-oiled machine that falls right into step without hesitation. Buck thinks back to his first day, how slightly overwhelming that first alarm felt. Getting thrown right into the thick of things is never easy, even for someone who has made it out of war.

“You can shadow me. I’ve got your back,” Buck volunteers. Eddie looks grateful and follows his lead without question.

* * *

Over the course of the next two weeks, Buck lives up to the promise he made that first afternoon. Buck and Eddie become the perfect team on calls. They find a balance that both seem to become extremely reliant on. Beyond their work relationship, Buck feels as if he’s become quite close with Eddie. The two are candid with one another, especially Eddie considering how private he is ordinarily. Bit by bit he’s been peeling back his layers, sharing details about his life that he hasn’t told anyone else at the station. Buck learns about his divorce, about his son. Buck knows that he’s lucky to have this sort of access into Eddie’s mind. Outwardly Eddie doesn’t really give much away so each time he shares even a snapshot into what his life is like behind closed doors, Buck feels he’s been given a gift of some kind.

The fact that Eddie feels comfortable around him is monumental in Buck’s eyes and it makes him want to do everything in his power to make sure that Eddie knows he can be trusted with the information he shares. Buck’s long since picked up on the fact that Eddie is guarded so any bit of himself that he’s willing to give, Buck gladly accepts and appreciates.

It’s been far too long since Buck has had a real friendship, a genuine connection to someone that went beyond a professional or familial realm.

As Buck begins to get ready for the start of his shift his phone chimes again. The sound used to intrigue him but now it just fills him with dread. How many asinine conversations is he expected to have with women who he won’t keep in touch with after they’ve had their fun?

A part of Buck wonders if it’s even worthwhile to keep his accounts up and running. He’s ignored several messages and each new one makes his disdain for the whole experience deepen further. He holds down one of the apps with his thumb, ready to remove it when he hears Eddie walking up behind him in the locker room. Buck is slightly embarrassed that he’s this attune to the man that he can tell the sound of his footsteps but this is what his life has become now.

“Hey,” Eddie calls out as he makes his way over.

Buck presses the side of his phone, making the screen go black as he looks up from where he’s seated on the bench.

“How goes it?”

“Pretty well.” Eddie seems to hesitate, his lips twitching. “I was wondering, are you free tonight?”

Buck’s heart slams against his chest. His first thought is that Eddie is asking him on a date but reason settles in and brings Buck down from an eleven to pay attention to what’s actually taking place now in real time.

“Uh, yeah. What’s going on?”

“Chris has been asking about you,” Eddie says. “I’ve been telling him all sorts of stories from our shifts and now he’s sort of chomping at the bit to meet you.”

Buck breaks out into a wide grin. “Are you serious? Definitely, yes. I’ve been dying to meet him.”

Eddie laughs and shakes his head. “Perfect. Dinner at my place then. This should be fun.”

Buck’s phone buzzes again and he sighs, rolling his eyes before shutting it off altogether.

“You good?” Eddie asks.

“Yeah, it’s just...these apps are starting to kill me.”

“I thought you liked them, meeting people and, well, you know.”

There was a time when Buck did enjoy it but for the last two weeks, he’s been finding it harder and harder to keep up threads of conversations or make much effort to actually meet up with the people he’s been speaking to. All he ever feels like doing is sitting down across from Eddie and talking to him about virtually anything. He would take those stolen moments over sex with a relative stranger. These last two weeks, Buck has felt a fundamental shift in his mindset and he’s still not certain what to make of it but he knows he’s changing, evolving somehow.

“Yeah, I did too but now I’m not so sure,” he replies.

Eddie smiles softly and gives him a pat on the back as he passes by.

“I think this is what some would call maturing,” he teases lightly. “It looks good on you.”

* * *

A cardinal rule that Buck’s parents instilled in him as a child was that if invited over to someone’s home, one should always bring something with them. For dinner at the Diaz household, meeting Chris for the first time, Buck goes with something he was confident any nine-year-old would love—chocolate cake from the best bakery in the area.

He supposes this could probably come across as a bribe, a surefire way to ensure that Christopher likes him and Buck can admit, that is maybe part of it. He’s always gotten along extremely well with kids, perhaps because he could be described as an overgrown one himself. Regardless, this is a big moment and the last thing Buck wants to do is squander it by making a poor first impression.

He arrives at Eddie’s place and rings the bell. He can hear muffled voices from inside and a moment later, Eddie is opening the door. He’s backlit by the hallway light, quite literally glowing. Buck can only smile and stare before stringing together a sentence.

“Thanks for having me over,” he says.

Eddie eyes the white box in his hands with mock suspicion, his eyes squinting. “Did you really bring dessert?”

“What kind of dinner would this be without any? It’s my favorite and I think Chris is going to love it, too.”

“Does it have chocolate?” Eddie asks.

“Double fudge.”

“You’re as good as gold, man. Come on in.”

Buck takes in all that he can about Eddie’s home. It’s tastefully decorated and a bit understated but Buck wouldn’t have come to expect anything else from Eddie. The man is as reserved as they come; it’s no surprise that his house is a reflection of that.

Buck follows him further into the house to the dining room where the cutest kid Buck has ever seen is seated. He’s peering up at Buck from red glasses and his face breaks into the warmest, most generous smile.

“You’ve got be Christopher,” Buck says, wasting no time in heading over to the boy and taking a seat beside him. “It’s so good to finally meet you, buddy.”

After dessert, the three hang out for a bit at the table talking before Eddie declares it’s time for Christopher to go to bed. He asks Buck to stick around for a bit and Buck is all too happy with that game plan. While Eddie gets his son set up for bed, Buck takes it upon himself to clean up to give Eddie one less thing to have to do. Eddie wordlessly joins him once he’s done getting Chris situated. Buck can see the surprise in Eddie’s face at his gesture.

Buck loads up the dishwasher and Eddie wipes the counter top. Buck doesn’t miss how effortless it feels to slip into a domestic routine with Eddie, as if this is something they’ve done together for years.

“Thank you for that,” Eddie says when they’re done, grabbing two beers out of the fridge. He leads them over to the living room.

“Don’t mention it.”

“I think it’s safe to say you’re his new favorite person,” Eddie chimes has he hands Buck a beer before taking a seat beside him on the couch.

Buck can’t help but to smile, glancing over his shoulder to the hallway where Chris is settled in his room for the night. This was the perfect way to spend the evening and Buck was more than thrilled to have the chance to extend it a bit further; he didn’t want the night to end already. Getting this time to spend inside of the Diaz home is already something he craves more of. Chris is an exceptional child and Eddie— well, Buck’s stance on Eddie has been cemented since the day they met. It’s only grown over the last few weeks, so much so that Buck is starting to wonder what it all means exactly.

Anytime Eddie is around him his pulse quickens and if he’s away from him, his mind always drifts, wondering what he’s up to. Buck isn’t used to caring this much about one person but he can admit to himself that he doesn’t actually have an issue with it. It’s been all too easy to feel comfortable and connected to Eddie. Some people just clicked and he and Eddie fell into place like puzzle pieces right out the gate.

“Well, good because the feeling is definitely mutual,” he replies, twisting the top off his bottle and taking a sip. “I think he might official be my favorite Diaz. Sorry, your title’s been revoked.”

Eddie places a hand over his heart, feigning hurt. “Ouch. I’d be offended if I didn’t agree so much; he’s the better choice. That kid is already light-years ahead of me.”

“Cut yourself some slack. You’re still pretty great, too.”

Eddie shrugs a shoulder, a mixed expression on his face. Buck eyes him curiously while taking another sip. He’s gotten used to Eddie’s pensiveness. Sometimes Eddie just seems to get so lost inside of himself and it always makes Buck feel sad but he’s never wanted to pry. But right now, he’s unable to stop the question from bubbling up through the surface.

“What are you thinking right now?” Buck can only hope Eddie doesn’t find the question too invasive and he’s already mentally preparing himself for Eddie to change the subject. It leaves him surprised when Eddie turns and becomes candid.

“Sometimes I think I’m one second away from ruining everything…with Chris, with being in L.A. So much changed for us in practically no time at all. I still have a lot to learn.”

Buck sets his drink down on the coffee table and gives Eddie is undivided attention, his eyes never leaving the man’s face as he continues to speak.

“I don’t regret us coming out here. We needed to get out of Texas and start something new for ourselves and I think that was the right decision. I know it was. But maybe I was a bit selfish in taking him from the only home he knew? I don’t know,” he says, more so to himself.

“I don’t think there’s anything selfish about it. You had your reasons for leaving and that’s completely justified. He seems happy to me, like he’s adjusting to life out here just fine. Change is scary as hell, no matter how old you are.”

Eddie huffs a light laugh. “You could say that again.”

Buck falters for a second. “Do you regret being out here personally?” Buck is so grateful for the fact that Eddie moved. In such a short span of time the man has completely broken through to him in a way not many people can say they have. The funny thing is, Buck thinks, is that Eddie doesn’t even know the full impact he’s had on Buck’s life.

Eddie considers the question thoughtfully for a moment, leaving Buck quite literally on the edge of his seat as he awaits a response.

“Overall, no. I’ve got a great team with you guys. It feels good to be a part of something like that again. If I hadn’t moved, I never would’ve gotten the chance to meet this new family or you for that matter.”

Buck does his best to keep his features in order, not wanting to tip Eddie off to the fact that his distinction has worked its way under his skin and straight to his heart.

“Me?”

Eddie nods and gives the softest smile Buck has ever seen him offer. He locks the memory away like a keepsake.

“Yeah, you. You’re one of the best parts of this entire move. I got a best friend out of it, didn’t I?”

Buck can feel his face warming at the sentiment so he looks away and rubs his knuckle against his bottom lip to buy himself a moment before he replies.

“That’s true. The 118 hasn’t been the same since you joined us. I didn’t realize we were missing something until you walked in.”

Buck stops then, playing back the words in his head. They were extremely revealing and for the briefest of seconds he panics but it feels good to have gotten a little bit of his feelings off his chest. With any luck Eddie won’t pick up on the nuances of his statement and will simply think that Buck just meant he rounded out the crew and nothing more. The reality is, Eddie completes Buck. But a statement like that isn’t something he can give away for free. The personal cost is too great.

“I appreciate that,” Eddie says after a moment. Buck can’t identify the look Eddie gives him but it’s warm and that’s all he can focus on. He can tell his words have struck a chord with Eddie, clearly at a time when the man needs reassurance the most.

“It’s the honest truth. Even if you still have your reservations or whatever about coming out here, just know that you made the right call. You’ll see. It’ll only get better from this point.” It’s a promise Buck has every intention of making good on, even if he has to fight tooth and nail to do so.

Eddie opens his mouth to say something but doesn’t continue. He merely smiles instead and just like that, the moment passes. Eddie takes a sip of his beer and all the traces of his unease and doubt from before are gone as if they were never there at all. There’s so much about Eddie that still remains a bit of a mystery to Buck but he can only hope that the other man will be willing to let him in further, if only so that he isn’t alone with his thoughts. Buck has long since decided that he wouldn’t mind being a sounding board for Eddie, someone the man can turn to when he feels like he’s at his wit’s end. They came so close to it tonight and that’s extremely promising. Buck takes it for the win that it is.

* * *

Since that evening at the Diaz home, Buck has made himself an unofficial resident. He’s spent the majority of the last three weeks going over with Eddie after they’ve finished their shifts and spending hours with Chris. Each interaction with the two burrows deeper into Buck’s heart. It’s at the point now where Buck doesn’t have much time or care for anything else.

He and Eddie are inseparable; someone would be hard pressed to find instances when the two aren’t around each other. Everyone at the station has taken to calling them Thing 1 and Thing 2 but Buck takes it all in stride. Certainly, there are worse things in the world than being heavily associated with Eddie Diaz.

“What’s everyone getting into tonight?” Hen asks as they clean the rig toward the end of their shift.

“Oh, you know me,” Chimney says with false bravado, jokingly puffing up his chest. “Hot date with Netflix and takeout. Please guys, reel in the jealousy. It’s unbecoming.”

Hen laughs and throws a towel at Chimney who catches it and wiggles brows before tossing it back. “How about you, Eddie?” he asks.

Buck pays even closer attention to the conversation. “Tonight, it’ll be me and some elementary school homework. Exciting stuff.”

“Ooh, I’m right there with you. Denny has a few projects coming up. Karen and I are going to try and get a jump on it but we’ll see how that goes.” She glances over at Buck, jutting her chin towards him. “What about you, Buckaroo? I feel like we haven’t heard any stories from you in a while. No dates or whatever it is you call it?”

Buck snorts a laugh and shakes his head. “That’s because I don’t have anything to report. I’ve been pretty busy lately…just, not with seeing anyone.”

He looks at Eddie from the corner of his eye, trying to see if his response has any impact on the man. But if Eddie has thoughts on the matter, he keeps his feelings under lock and key; his face doesn’t change in the slightest.

Chimney shivers and rubs at his arms. “Whoa, I think…did anyone else feel that? Hell is freezing over!”

This earns a huge laugh from the team and Buck rolls his eyes, joining in.

“Ha, ha. Hilarious.”

“Seriously though, what gives?” Hen asks.

Buck only shrugs and gets back to cleaning, keeping his answer short. “I’m just not interested right now.”

The answer seems good enough for her and the team falls back into an easy rhythm of maintaining the fire engine. Once they’re done, Chimney and Hen take off to get ready to leave for the day but Buck and Eddie hang around a bit longer.

Eddie takes a seat on the bumper, towel still in hand but Buck remains standing, leaning against the truck.

“Can I ask you something?” Buck says. Eddie turns his gaze on him, brown eyes drilling into his blue.

“Sure, what’s up?”

Buck knows this is prying but he can’t stop himself from asking now that the thought is blooming so greatly in his mind.

“Well, we’ve been hanging out a ton these last few weeks and that’s been great. Completely great but now that I think about it, I haven’t seen or heard you talk about dating. What’s up with that?”

“I don’t date.” Eddie says it with such finality like this isn’t a topic worth discussing. Buck has a million questions but he settles for the most practical one.

“Why not?”

As far as Buck can see, there isn’t a single person who wouldn’t jump at the chance to date Eddie. He’s a good-looking guy, caring, smart, and the list goes on and on. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that Eddie could have virtually anyone he wanted. Buck would gladly nominate himself for the position if given the opportunity. Eddie is one hell of a catch. Buck can only hazard a guess that it’s Eddie himself putting this limitation on the matter. If he’s single, it can’t be for a lack of willingness on someone else’s part.

“Where to start?” Eddie chuckles. “Long story short, it’s too much of a gamble. I’ve got a son to think about. I couldn’t just jump into something meaningless and not many people are looking for something serious so why bother? Besides, I don’t have the time to. Anyone I dated would come in third place to Christopher and my job.”

Buck takes in Eddie’s response and gets hung up on the fact that Eddie used the word “anyone”. That’s an interesting word choice. Or at least this is what Buck tells himself in order to cling to the possibility that he stands even the most remote chance of ending up with Eddie at some point in the future. A small voice tells him he’s being ridiculous and pitiful but he can’t help it. He has a crush on Eddie and it doesn’t show any signs of letting up any time soon.

“But what if you found someone that was okay with all of that? What if someone didn’t think of those things as a negative?”

Eddie considers this for a moment, his brows furrowed in thought. He seems to be weighing the questions Buck posed and reaches a decision fairly quickly.

“That’s not gonna happen so it really doesn’t do to dwell on it.”

“Oh, come on. How can you say that? There are tons of people who would go out with you…unless it’s just something you don’t want?”

Eddie sighs and looks away, toying with the towel in his hand before tossing it aside and gripping the bumper under him. Buck starts to feel anxious, nervous that his line of questioning has gone too far.

“Honestly? That’s a fair question and I wish I had an answer but I don’t. Things with my wife…ex-wife…when you go through an experience like that, bouncing back isn’t exactly easy. I wasn’t enough to make her stay. If we built a whole life together and it ended like that, the odds of making it last with someone new don’t exactly look good, do they?”

Buck frowns and takes a seat beside him, putting a hand on Eddie’s shoulder.

“Hate to break it to you but I think you might be guilty of selling yourself short on this. Yeah, it didn’t pan out with Shannon but that doesn’t mean it can’t work with someone else.”

Eddie looks at him full on and Buck’s heart leaps from his chest to his throat instantly. Being under Eddie’s intense gaze is something he doesn’t think he’ll ever become accustom to but Buck is captivated by it all the same. It’s as if he’s the only thing Eddie is aware, like all the sound and commotion in and around the station has been dialed down to zero.

“Sometimes it’s best not to hope for anything. Saves on disappointment in the long run.”

“That’s not a good way to live, Eddie. You have to know that.”

“It’s kept me safe so far.”

Buck doesn’t have much to counter that with. All he can do now is search Eddie’s face and hope that his next set of words break through to Eddie on some level.

“Somebody is going to prove you wrong one of these days.”

Eddie smiles faintly. “They’re welcome to try. It’s just a question of if they’ll actually succeed.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so very much for the positive feedback. it makes me so happy that you all enjoyed the first chapter! there's only one more to go after this!

_It's easier for us to hide  
If you come out then so will I  
Promise that I'll meet you halfway  
'Cause I see every part of you  
And I can tell you see me too  
By the way that you say my name  
_

“You must be really excited your sister’s coming,” Eddie says.

The two are milling about the supermarket on their day off. Eddie’s had a full day of running errands and Buck, lacking concrete plans, decided to tag along rather than spend the day lounging about in bed. With Maddie set to arrive tonight, he wants to pick up a few things he knows she loves like her favorite tea and snacks to make sure she feels all the more comfortable during her stay. It’s been far too long since he’s seen his older sister. Her call had been unexpected but Buck is just grateful for the fact that she's making time to head out to California to see him.

“Oh yeah, Maddie’s amazing. I wish she would just live out here for good. I could do with having her around all the time again.”

Buck’s already recounted his childhood to Eddie, telling him of how close he was to his sister given that his parents were less than involved in his life. It’d been the worst thing to happen to him when Maddie kept her distance after meeting her boyfriend and it only managed to become all the more unbearable when they got married. Conversations with Maddie had become scarce. It’d been a surprise to hear from her, even more so that she had booked a flight. All Buck could focus on was getting the chance to sit down with her and just talk. The two had the best conversations and given all that he was sorting through now in his personal life, her timing couldn’t have been better.

“I’m happy for you,” Eddie comments sincerely, adding cereal to his cart. “Family is important. I know how much she means to you.”

Buck smiles over at him, his heart feeling full. There’s nothing quite like being seen by the person who matters most. Buck is so busy sneaking covert glances at Eddie that he’s too distracted at first to realize what Eddie is talking about when he speaks again.

“Friend of yours?”

Buck looks up and there is a redheaded girl walking over to him, her expression wide just like her arms as she comes to a stop and hugs him.

“Oh my god, Buck? Long time no see.”

His heart sinks down somewhere around his ankles. The last time Buck saw her was on a rooftop, the two right in the middle of things until they were busted by Bobby.

“Hey, how’ve you been?” Buck feels more than a little awkward making small talk with her, praying over and over that she doesn’t make mention their last encounter in front of Eddie.

“You’d know if you texted me back. Kidding. I’ve been pretty good, how about you?”

Buck shrugs. “Can’t complain.”

Her eyes roam over to Eddie, eyeing him curiously. Buck doesn’t like it; he subconsciously adjusts his stance, his body pivoting slightly to block out most of Eddie’s frame.

“Sorry, we’ve got to run. Lots to do today.” He knows he’s being rude and cutting this conversation absurdly short but there isn’t a single part of this interaction that he’s comfortable with. The sooner he can move from this spot, the better.

“Well, it was good to see you again. Give me a call sometime, yeah?” With a flash of her teeth and wiggle of her fingers, she’s gone. Buck sighs softly in relief.

“She seemed nice,” Eddie says noncommittally as they continue moving. It drives Buck mad how effortlessly Eddie does that, making it so unclear what he truly thinks about a situation by keeping his tone indifferent.

“Yeah, she’s a cool girl,” he replies, attempting to sound unbothered by the run-in though it makes his skin crawl. These aren’t two worlds he wants colliding. His past is just that, even if it’s fairly recent history. Buck just wants to put that lifestyle behind him and start anew.

But in these little flashes, it’s as if the universe is keen on reminding him that he isn’t as removed from his old habits as he’d like to think he is. Even though it’s been a few weeks since he had a meaningless hookup, this city is filled with fragments of a past he doesn’t want any association with.

“So, that’s your type then?”

Buck glances over at Eddie, so shocked by the question. Eddie said it casually enough and yet having this question lobbed at Buck feels like a setup.

“I don’t really have a type,” he answers.

That fact has always been true but never more so than now that Buck has such a glaring attraction to Eddie. This isn’t something he could have seen coming and yet it came about so organically that Buck was never fearful of it or felt the need to evaluate his life or have a crisis of some kind.

The bottom line is simple and clear: he really likes being around Eddie. Perhaps the proper term would be to call it a crush but that somehow feels like cheapening it to Buck, the more he ruminates over it. Whatever this is, it feels like something a bit more substantial and less frivolous. Crushes were fleeting. This has staying power; he could feel it in his bones.

“Oh?”

Buck’s brows knit in confusion. It’s strange having Eddie ask these things, to seem invested in hearing his response to this line of questioning but, if only for the sake of clarity, Buck thinks it’s worth getting his take on things out there.

“I like what I like. I’ve never been picky when it comes to people. If I click with someone then I just take it from there, I guess,” he replies. “I don’t get caught up in the details. It’s always just been about the person themselves.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything. He just nods his head thoughtfully. Again, Buck feels like shaking the man’s shoulders and forcing an actual reaction out of him. Is he just making polite conversation or is he storing away this information to verify a suspicion?

Eddie continues looking at the shelves, walking leisurely down the aisles and adding things to the cart as he goes. Buck’s basket is pretty scant, still just filled with things for Maddie.

Once Eddie’s finished shopping, they walk to the checkout area. Buck is distracted by the little display of impulse purchases they keep at the registers. There are tons of different candies and without thinking, Buck grabs two packs of peach rings, holding them up to Eddie as he loads the conveyor belt with his items.

“Does Chris have a preference for the brand or is he like, an equal opportunity lover of these things?”

Eddie’s eyes narrow and he lets out a laugh.

“What?” Buck asks, lowering his hand.

Eddie shakes his head. “Nothing. He, uh, he’s definitely not picky. I just can’t believe you remembered that about him. He mentioned it like one time to you.”

Buck can feel his face flush a bit. He has a good memory for these sorts of tidbits. But it becomes that much stronger when he cares about the person relaying information to him. Christopher said it in passing a few weeks back and the second Buck saw the candies, that fleeting conversation played back instantly.

Eddie looks at him meaningfully for a moment but it passes quickly when the cashier says his total aloud and he takes out his wallet. Buck’s face is still burning and he’s glad for the fact that Eddie’s attention is called elsewhere.

He adds his small collection of items to the belt, including the two packages of candy for Chris. He pays for his stuff and joins Eddie who’s waiting for him by the exit. He tosses the candies into one of Eddie’s bags.

“Before I forget and end up taking these with me,” he says.

Eddie stands there for a few seconds, searching his face. “You’re something else, Buck.”

_A good something, I hope_ , Buck thinks as they leave out together.

* * *

Buck is thrilled to have Maddie in town. His older sister is undoubtedly the one good thing about his life back in Pennsylvania. Now that she’s out here with him, Buck can’t keep from giving her updates. He has her over and he doesn’t waste time in filling her in on the details of his life. Naturally there’s a huge block of conversation dedicated to talking about Eddie.

“He’s got the cutest kid. His name is Christopher. God, Mads, you should see his little face sometimes, I swear.”

Maddie sips from her mug, her eyes widening over the rim almost comically at his statement. She gulps down her tea and clears her throat, setting the cup down on the coffee table and sitting up.

“He’s got a son?”

“Yeah, he’s nine. He’s hilarious and smart and just…the best.”

Maddie eyes him and Buck starts to feel uneasy with her lack of enthusiasm.

“What?” he asks, wanting desperately to know what her views are on the matter.

“Nothing. It’s nothing. I just wasn’t expecting him to be a father. That’s a pretty big step, dating someone with a child.”

Buck shrugs a shoulder. “I don’t think it has to be that big of a deal. It wouldn’t be much different than how things are right now,” he replies. “Wait, Eddie and I aren’t even dating though. We’re just friends.”

This earns a laugh from Maddie who picks up her mug again and settles further onto the couch, tucking her legs underneath herself. She looks like a cat curled up in a patch of sunlight, comfortable and cozy as ever.

“What’s with the laughing? I don’t get it.”

“You honestly think you aren’t dating this guy? Maybe there’s no title but this is sounding suspiciously like a relationship,” she notes. “Tell me, since you two started hanging out, how many people have you been with? How often have you opened up one of the dating apps on your phone? Better yet, do you even still have them?”

“Alright, alright, I get where you’re going with this.” Buck rubs at the back of his neck and sighs. “I deleted them. It just seems kinda pointless now, you know? I’m too busy to be on those things looking to hook up with people. I’d rather hang out at Eddie’s place.”

Maddie doesn’t say anything but her expression does the talking for her.

“Don’t give me that look. I’m just saying, we’ve been spending a lot of time together but it’s not like that. He doesn’t even date. Says the same as you actually, that it’s complicated seeing people since he has a kid. He’s constantly making sure Chris is covered. He really cares for him which is awesome. They’re both really lucky to have each other.”

Buck grows quiet then, thinking of his own relationship with his father. Or rather, the non-existent relationship between the two of them. Buck can’t even recall the last time either of them picked up the phone to talk to one another. He has no clue what the latest is with either of his folks back home and truth be told, he doesn’t particularly care.

A small, quiet part of him is saddened by that fact though it’s not something he’d be quick to confess to. Some people simply didn’t get along with their parents whereas other, like Chris with Eddie, were the best of friends. If anything, Buck was okay with taking comfort in knowing that at least Christopher wouldn’t suffer the same fate he or Maddie did. At least Chris would always know what it was like to feel loved by a parent rather than be made to feel like a burden.

“Sounds to me like you don’t mind complicated anymore. Dare I say my little brother is growing up? Maddie teases, cocking a brow.

Buck rolls his eyes and shushes her, laughing as well. “It’s not my usual speed but I don’t mind it with him. With them, actually. It’s…I can’t really explain it. But we just fit somehow, you know? I feel like I’ve always known them.”

Maddie’s face grows serious. “Are you falling in love with him, Buck?”

The question is so sudden, so unexpected that now it’s Buck’s turn to have wide eyes and to stare. To date, Buck’s longest relationship lasted all of three weeks and calling it a relationship was being extremely generous. Hooking up just always felt like a safer bet. Operating without any strings kept him free and Buck prided himself on having his own agency. Being tied down to any one person just seemed like a ridiculous way to live when there were so many options out there. The thought of settling down was once so hilarious but now Buck has to wonder if he had it all wrong. Or perhaps it was a combination of the two. Maybe it was okay to test the waters but now that he made a catch, Buck was okay with leaving the beach all together.

The only downside here was the uncertainty, the not knowing what side of the fence Eddie stood on or, if he even realized there was a divide to begin with. Somewhere along the way, Buck had begun to fall hard. With his feelings called into question so openly by his sister, Buck realizes there are a lot of dynamics he hasn’t let himself fully consider.

“I think I might be,” he replies slowly, still connecting the dots in his mind and trying to make sense of it all. “Yes, I am.”

Buck stuns himself into silence and he’s all too grateful that Maddie doesn’t say anything. The two just sit with the weight of Buck’s confession keeping them company. Buck isn’t used to any of this. He’s actively gone out of his way not to get attached to people yet here he was now coming clean to falling in love with someone who probably only viewed him as a friend.

How exactly did he land himself in this position? Was it too late to turn back now? What would happen if he told Eddie how he felt? Was he even allowed to feel these things for someone that was just supposed to be his friend? If it got back to Eddie, would he still want Buck around?

“Buck?” comes Maddie’s voice cautiously from beside him but his thoughts are so far gone and Buck is chasing after them desperately, trying in vain to catch himself up to speed.

“Oh god, this is bad, isn’t it?” he frets, turning to look at his big sister.

Maddie has the softest expression on her face, her head cocked to the left as she eyes him. “Why would you say that?”

He feels like he’s in a therapy session, but not in a bad way. Maddie has just always had the ability to see right through Buck and get him talking in a way no one else has been able to. Though, he thinks, Eddie is a very close second.

“Because he’s my best friend. This could screw all that up.”

“Or it could make things even better,” she counters. “Evan, it’s okay to feel things, you know. Big feelings, unknown ones, it’s all perfectly okay. If anything, it’s a blessing.”

“How do you figure?” From where Buck is standing, this feels more like a curse. How was it that he could make the rounds with countless people in the city and feel nothing but the second he finds himself a genuine friendship, he gets thrown off course by starting to fall in love?

“Because not everyone is as lucky. Does it complicate things a bit that he’s your closest friend? Maybe. But a possibility isn’t a definite so don’t go counting yourself out just yet. For all you know, Eddie’s feeling the same as you. He just has a lot more to take into consideration going into this than you do.”

Buck tips his head back against the top of the sofa, covering his face with his hands and rubbing his palms against his features.

“This is too much to think about. Life was so much easier when I didn’t have to worry about this stuff.”

“But can you say you were honestly happier? More fulfilled?”

“I think you missed your calling as a shrink,” he teases, dropping his hands and looking at her.

“Eh, I don’t know about that. I just know you better than anyone. It makes the job pretty easy.”

Buck smiles softly and grows quiet. “Do you think I’m crazy for liking him, for maybe even kinda sorta loving him?”

Maddie considers and shakes her head. “No, I don’t. I think it was always heading to this point.”

Buck’s brows furrow as he looks to his sister, willing her to go on. She purses her lips for a moment and thinks. It’s one of the things Buck likes most about Maddie. She’s always extremely careful and deliberate with her words.

“It’s been a gradual thing between you two since the day you met. You work together doing one of the most dangerous jobs out there. You all have established the kind of trust that’s quite literally a matter of life or death. So, immediately, you have this foundation set; he knows he can trust you with big, important things and vice versa. Again, you’re working together closely for hours, sometimes even whole days. That lent itself to a sincere friendship. You’ve shared stories, secrets. That’s a real bond. Because of that, he knew he could let you into his life further, make it personal, and so he introduced you to his son. You guys have been hitting all these benchmarks. It’s not surprising it snowballed to this.”

Buck just stares at her, his mouth hanging open. “Did you seriously just do a play by play analysis of all of this? Damn, that was impressive and completely accurate,” he concedes.

Maddie laughs and jokingly dusts off her shoulder. “What can I say? I know my stuff.” She grows pensive soon after, reaching over and holding onto Buck’s hand.

It’s a comforting gesture that puts a lump in his throat. Buck looks down at their hands and back up to Maddie’s warm brown eyes. There’s such concern and adoration in her expression. It’s an interesting mix but it only serves to make Buck feel loved.

“You deserve to be happy, you know that, right?”

Buck doesn’t say anything. He’s not so sure this is a sentiment he completely agrees with. Ideally, yes, it would be fantastic to get a happily ever after of some kind with Eddie, to truly have it all. But Buck isn’t so sure he’s even worthy of it. He’s never even been in a committed relationship before; he doesn’t know if he’s earned the right to be with Eddie, assuming that’s even what the other guy wants.

“Maybe,” he replies to which Maddie vehemently shakes her head.

“No, not maybe. There’s no debate here. You deserve good things and I think Eddie can be that for you. Are you ever going to tell him?”

Buck’s brows furrow. This is something major to consider. Clueing Eddie in has a lot of variables and those unknowns are terrifying. There are a hundred different responses that could come from confessing to Eddie that he not only wants to be more than friends but that he’s already halfway to loving him. If the roles were reversed, he’d be stunned by a declaration like that.

As far as Buck can tell, Eddie is just happy to have a close friend in a new city. To tamper with that could have damaging effects. Or, alternatively like Maddie pointed out before, it could lead them to something so much greater. The constant back and forth of his thoughts makes Buck feel as if he’s spiraling.

“I don’t know. I mean, I guess I’ll have to someday. I just don’t know the when or the how.”

Maddie gives his hand a light squeeze, brushing her thumb against the back of his hand.

“You don’t have to figure it all out tonight but it’s good you’re considering it. I’m really proud of you, Buck. This is a huge step for you.”

These sentiments are exactly what Buck needs to hear right now. As always Maddie gets it right.

* * *

The next day when Buck sees Eddie at work, he’s unable to shake his conversation with Maddie. He spends the better part of his shift secretly stealing glances at Eddie when the man is occupied with other things, too busy to notice. Buck cannot ignore the way his heart clenches in his chest each time Eddie lets out a laugh or simply smiles. He’s addicted to the rush he feels when Eddie experiences joy. All of these feelings are so fresh and new that Buck doesn’t really know how to navigate around Eddie. Each time Eddie so much as looks at him, Buck has to fight the overwhelming urge to blurt out how much he likes him.

To lower the chances of him saying something he isn’t ready to cop to just yet, he doesn’t speak much to Eddie throughout the day. He’s able to get through basic greetings and responding accordingly if Eddie says something particularly to him, sure, but Buck feels off his game. When their shift is over, Buck hangs back and decides to spend time in the gym to clear his mind. He changes out of his uniform and into workout clothes, waving goodbye to Chimney and Hen as they leave out for the night.

Alone with only the firefighters for the new rotation, Buck heads to the gym. No sooner does he sit down on the bench does he hear footsteps approaching him. He looks up, only vaguely surprised to see Eddie.

“Aren’t you sick of being here all day? I thought you’d have some wild Friday night plans,” Eddie muses. Buck just offers an awkward laugh and takes note of the way Eddie’s face falls. “Did I do something wrong?”

Buck stops short of reaching for a weight, his head tipping up to look at Eddie as he comes to stand in front of him.

“Of course not, no. Why do you ask?”

Eddie looks relieved and shrugs. “I don’t know. You just seemed sort of off around me today. I thought I might’ve done something to upset you but I couldn’t think of what it could be. We were good yesterday.”

Embarrassed, Buck looks away and shakes his head. Buck has uncovered a lot in the last 24 hours but none of it is Eddie’s fault. “No, it’s not you. I’m just…in a weird head space today.”

“Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want to talk about it?”

Buck almost laughs. There’s plenty Eddie could do, theoretically. He could kiss him right now, show him that this crush isn’t a one-sided thing like he’s convinced himself it is. He could confess his love and tell Buck that all he wants is to be with him. Buck would love nothing more than to come clean but this isn’t the time nor place so while a part of him may actually want to talk this through, Buck knows this isn’t the moment for it.

“I appreciate it but I’m alright.”

Eddie frowns but doesn’t push the matter any further and a silence falls between them that Buck isn’t sure how to bridge so he goes with something that will never fail to connect them.

“Any plans this weekend with Chris?”

As expected, this seems to bring Eddie back from wherever his mind has been wandering to over the last few minutes. Buck makes good on working out, finally picking up the weight and starting to do bicep curls. Eddie seems to falter but it’s so brief that Buck wonders if he didn’t just make up the semi-distracted look in Eddie’s eyes. It would be too simple if he were to get under Eddie’s skin.

“Yeah, I’m surprising him and taking him down to the aquarium tomorrow. He’s been asking to go see the animals all week. His class is exploring aquatic life in their unit this week in science,” he says with a laugh. “So now, naturally, every conversation at dinner has been him rattling off facts to me.”

“That’s pretty neat. I’m sure he’s going to love it.”

Eddie nods in agreement, his brows furrowing. “I was meaning to ask earlier if you wanted to come with us. I mean, I know it’s sort of last minute and you probably already have plans for the weekend but if you’re free in the afternoon, I know Chris would be thrilled if you joined us.” He pauses. “I would be, too.”

Buck is brought up short by that last statement and it’s enough to stop him from working out. All his attention rests solely now on Eddie. The longer Buck looks at him, the more he can see cracks in Eddie’s demeanor. At first glance he seemed nonchalant but now he takes notice of the tension in Eddie’s shoulders, the tight set of his jaw. All of that coupled with Eddie’s inability to meet his eyes for longer than three seconds at a time leads Buck to one clear conclusion: Eddie is nervous.

Of his answer? Of posing the question? Buck isn’t exactly sure but it’s clear as day that Eddie is feeling some trepidation over inviting Buck on this outing tomorrow. He smiles warmly at Eddie, hoping that the simple act alone will be enough to alleviate any concerns on his end.

“I’d love to, yeah. Count me in.”

Eddie’s shoulders immediately relax and Buck is still blown away and confused as to why Eddie would even be stressing over something like this. He’s hung out with the Diaz family plenty over the last few weeks. Buck has already staked a claim as Chris’ best friend and has become something of a fixture at their house. But Buck soon realizes, this is their first major outing together. It’s one thing to have movie nights and play games in Eddie’s living room. It’s quite another to spend a whole day hanging about around other people. Buck sees this as one more way in which Eddie is trusting him and letting his guard down. It’s humbling and certainly not something he takes for granted.

“Great. I’ll let Christopher know after the big reveal. I should probably head out now anyway. I don’t want to hold Abuela up but uh, I’ll see you tomorrow then. Come by the house around noon? We can all leave out together if that works for you.”

Buck nods, wiping at his brow absentmindedly with the back of his hand. “That’s perfect. I’ll be there.”

Eddie gives a smile and small wave before turning around and heading out of the space. Buck is grateful for the glass walls as it allows him to shamelessly look after Eddie, watching as he moves through the station to the street. It actually hurts, Buck is coming to see, just how much his heart yearns for Eddie. This is all so new and terrifying, feeling this much for one person.

Buck turns away, trying to shift his focus back to his workout but his thoughts are too overrun to pay attention to the task. All he can think about is tomorrow, about getting to spend a whole day hanging out with his two favorite guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, if you're reading this, you're a trooper and i appreciate you. how are we feeling? i'm very pumped for the next/last portion of this fic, i can't even tell you!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it bears repeating: you guys have been incredible. i'm so touched by the support of this fic. i'm so glad you all dug that talk with maddie. it was the first thing i wrote for this fic, oddly enough.  
> .  
> welp, this is it; we've reached the end of the line. i'm so thrilled with how this chapter turned out. i can't wait to see what you guys think. feel free to comment or hit me up on tumblr @terryjeffordss it's been real

_I know I've played with hearts before  
Don't have the heart to play with yours  
I only swear to do the best I can  
'Cause when you put your trust in me  
How beautiful our love could be  
If only you would take a chance_

“Alright, bud, what are we checking out first?” Buck asks the second they step foot inside of the aquarium. As expected on a Saturday afternoon, it’s packed with loud, energetic kids but Christopher doesn’t seem too fazed by any of it. He inspects the map as they stand off to the side to come up with a game plan.

Buck can only respect Christopher’s level of commitment. When he was a kid—and admittedly even now—the first instinct that overtook Buck when coming to a place like this was to just run wild and uncover things as he came across them. But Chris is far more analytical than that and formulates a strategy. He combs through the map with such precision as if this is matter of life or death. Within a few minutes, he pinpoints all the exhibits he wants to see.

“Works for me,” Eddie says, putting a hand on Chris’ back as they move off and begin exploring.

Chris gives commentary on everything he sees, sharing facts he’s learned in school or has read about. Buck, in turn, offers up some things that he knows as well. Buck knows a little bit about virtually everything and is always glad for any opportunity to pass that information along to anyone who will listen. Most people get bored easily or are stunned he knows so much. It’s not the best feeling in the world but with Chris, there’s an eager, easy exchange of information.

Chris is particularly taken with the jellyfish, reporting to Buck and his father that they’ve been around longer than humans and dinosaurs. Buck trades off information about dolphins, telling Chris that they sleep with only half their brain, literally sleeping with one eye open to make sure they aren’t in danger of being attacked while resting.

The two go like that easily back and forth, reading every paragraph on placards accompanying the animals. Eddie takes pictures of them throughout the day and Buck’s heart has never felt this content.

They’ve been walking around for hours checking out displays and watching the animals in their tanks. Eddie glances at his watch and looks back at the aquarium foldout in his hand.

“Hey, they’re having a viewing in the theater in ten minutes if you guys want to sit for a bit and check it out.”

Both men look to Chris who gets final say-so on the matter.

“Let’s go!” he says excitedly and Buck leads the charge over to the theater. He’s been to the aquarium plenty since moving to L.A; he doesn’t need to confer with the map to know where to go.

The three get pretty decent seats in the front, Chris nestled between Eddie and Buck as always. Eddie tucks Chris’ crutches under the bench and Chris rests his head on his dad’s arm, his eyes fixed on the screen even though the film hasn’t started yet. Eddie wraps an arm around his son and Chris burrows deeper at his father’s side. Buck can only smile to himself at their level of closeness, at how naturally it comes to the pair of them. The lights dim, plunging the auditorium into relative darkness as the large screen flickers to life.

The film starts, a production about climate change and the impact on the ocean and wildlife within it. While the movie plays, Buck takes in all the information the narrator shares but eventually, he glances over to Eddie. He’s surprised to see the man is already looking at him. Eddie’s face is bathed in blue light from the screen, giving him a hypnotizing unique glow that Buck just can’t turn away from.

_“Over 19 percent of the world’s reefs have been lost due to human influence from over-fishing, pollution, and, of course, changes to the Earth’s climate.”_

Buck’s only mildly aware of the overhead narration, the faceless British man continuing to talk about the threat to coral reefs. Eddie eyes him thoughtfully and all Buck can do is stare back. He takes in everything about the other man, doing an inventory of his face: the scruff of his low-cut beard, the small birth mark tucked just under his jaw on his neck, his brown eyes that now look black in the darkness. These are things Buck typically has to sneak to appreciate but now, here in this darkened room, it’s like time doesn’t mean the same thing as it does beyond the walls they’re enclosed in. Buck can feel the shift. Something is locking in place even if he can’t give it a clear name.

Buck can feel a change even in the breaths he takes. Eddie’s gaze is unrelenting and Buck feels as if he could just catch fire because of it. He feels it heavy in his gut, this anchor that’s keeping him in place and unable to look away. Buck tries to understand the expression in Eddie’s eyes. It’s as if he’s considering something and Buck desperately wants to shout across the space between them.

_Choose me. Love me. I’m yours. Can’t you see that?_

The end credits start to roll and the lights overhead come back on. Buck blinks twice quickly, his eyes adjusting to the change. Eddie looks down at Chris who has fallen asleep at his side. Buck reaches down and grabs Chris’ crutches as Eddie scoops his son into his arms and carries him rather than disrupt his sleep. It’s been a long day; Buck can’t blame the boy for being tired.

Buck and Eddie walk wordlessly out of the aquarium. Plunging back into the sunshine is almost jarring and Buck fears that whatever moment they shared in the darkened theater won’t survive out here in the light of day. Eddie fishes his key out of his pocket and presses the button on the controller. Buck is right there, getting the door so Eddie can put Chris inside and strap him in. Buck doesn’t immediately climb inside; he lingers with his back against the passenger side door. He’s the first thing Eddie sees when he closes Christopher’s door.

Eddie leans, his shoulder pressed against the SUV, staring silently at Buck. His mouth twitches like he’s about to say something but Buck can see the moment it dies on his tongue in his eyes. Eddie sniffs and looks at the ground before finally speaking up.

“I should really get him home.” Buck’s shoulders deflate but he just nods, albeit mechanically, and turns to open his door. He’s buckled in by the time Eddie gets inside.

The car ride home is a quiet affair. Buck keeps his attention on the scenery as it flits past. If he were braver, he’d find a way to bridge the silence. There is no way to deny that they had a moment back there. The way Eddie looked at him, the amount of time in which he took to do so. That wasn’t a casual glance. It felt like something so much greater.

Eddie pulls into the driveway and kills the engine but doesn’t move so neither does Buck. They’ve reached a stalemate with one another and Buck can confess to himself that he’s scared to be the one to make a move now.

“Buck,” Eddie says softly, like he’s testing out his voice after going so long without using it.

Buck turns to look at him then. Eddie’s hands are still gripping the steering wheel even though the engine’s cut off and they’re very clearly already at their destination. Buck glances at Eddie’s knuckles, watching them turn white.

“Hey,” he cuts in, trying to get Eddie’s attention and get him to ease up. It does the trick and Eddie lets go of the wheel. “What’s going on with you? Talk to me.”

Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs before dropping his hand and looking over at his son in the backseat. Chris has been perfectly quiet, still tuckered out from a busy day. They’re practically alone and Buck prays that Eddie deems this a decent enough place to have a serious conversation.

“I think I might just be tired too. Sorry about before and the whole ride home. Today was a great day. I’m making it weird now,” he laughs falsely but Buck isn’t letting him off the hook that easily.

“Are you sure there’s nothing more to it?” If Eddie is having trouble being brave now that they’re making headway, then Buck is willing to accept that he’ll have to be the one to say something first. The time for skating around the topic is over. “Back at the theater, I think you felt something.”

Eddie’s face drops and his eyes cast about but given the close quarters they’re in, his options are very limited. Eventually he settles back on looking at Buck. He licks his lips but Buck remains patient. The heaviness of his feelings is a weight he can no longer bear. Buck knows now that today is going to be the day he lessens the load on his heart.

“And it scares you, doesn’t it?” he continues when Eddie doesn’t say anything. “It scared me at first too but it’s okay, honestly. This is a good thing.”

Eddie glances over again at Chris, checking to make sure he’s still asleep before replying.

“I don’t think I even know how to do this…or if we even should.”

The last bit is practically mumbled but Buck catches it, though he wishes he didn’t. Is he not worth the risk?

He nods stiffly and takes off his seat belt. “Right, yeah. I get it.” It’s a lie but it comes to him more easily than the truth. A rejection like this is too much for Buck to take when just an hour ago he had convinced himself that Eddie wanted something more.

Buck goes to open his door and feels Eddie’s hand come to rest on his left arm. His touch stills him instantly. Buck flexes the muscle in his jaw, hating the fact that one simple touch is all it takes for Eddie to reel him back in.

“I don’t think you do understand,” Eddie starts, not unkindly. His expression is pleading, like he’s urging Buck to truly pay attention to what it is he’s trying to say.

“No, I obviously don’t but I’d like to.” Buck settles in, his back against the door to face Eddie head on. Eddie searches his eyes and Buck doesn’t waver.

Eddie moves his hand from his arm and Buck sighs, already missing the feel of the other’s man touch. He pushes the thought from mind. There are bigger things unfolding here that require his undivided attention.

“Buck, the thing you have to understand is that I really—” he stops short at the sound of Christopher stirring in the backseat. Both men turn at the sound, glancing back at one another and listening to Chris yawn as he wakes up.

“We’re home already?” comes his little voice. The muscle in Eddie’s jaw twitches as he stares at Buck for a moment before turning on a warm smile for his son.

“Yeah, you knocked out halfway through the movie. I had to carry you out of there,” he laughs.

Buck’s head is still spinning and he’s in awe of just how quickly Eddie’s able to change his emotion at the drop of a hat to shield Chris. It’s impressive but Buck still needs another moment to get his head on straight. What was it that Eddie was about to say?

Eddie gets out and helps Christopher do the same but Buck is still frozen for a beat before he follows suit and joins them. Buck’s not entirely sure he didn’t leave his head back in the car; he’s going through the motions but nothing is really sticking.

He hesitates at the front of the house, unsure of if he should even go in. Eddie glances back at him as Chris goes inside.

“I promise this conversation isn’t over,” Eddie assures. “We really need to talk.”

That gives Buck a sense of foreboding. Something in his expression must betray the thought because Eddie is quick to speak again, shaking his head.

“It’s not bad. Just…dammit. I have to get dinner started. You’re welcome to stay…Buck, please, stay,” he urges, not even hiding the bit of desperation in his tone.

That paired with the worry in Eddie’s eyes is what keeps Buck from crossing the lawn and going to his jeep. He knows what it takes for Eddie to be vulnerable in such a way. Even if this conversation doesn’t pan out the way he hopes, Buck knows they need to have it out regardless. Eddie said it wouldn’t be bad but Buck still feels uneasy.

If it was great news, Eddie would have easily agreed that something was happening between them. His face wouldn’t have fallen the way it did when Buck called attention to the exchange between them during the film. He would have welcomed the conversation and given a definitive, resounding reply. He wouldn’t have faltered. He would have been sure about this like Buck was.

Eddie is still looking at him pleadingly and Buck, weak as ever to Eddie’s wishes, simply nods his head and steps inside.

* * *

Buck stands alone in the backyard as Eddie takes time to get Christopher settled into bed. Given the nap he took in the car, he’s certain it’ll take a few chapters of reading to tire him out long enough to doze off and stay asleep for the night. Buck is glad for it, selfishly, if only to have this time now to himself to clear his thoughts. Dinner was torturous. There’s no other way for Buck to put it. Having to sit beside Eddie and go through the motions of acting as if everything was okay when his world was crumbling right before his eyes was difficult. But for Christopher he found it within himself to keep up appearances. Whatever issues or awkwardness Buck was experiencing with Eddie, he would never, not for one second, want Chris to be impacted by that.

Buck is trying in vain to prepare himself for this conversation but it’s truly anyone’s guess where it’ll go. At dinner Eddie did a terrific job of not betraying the tension between them in front of Christopher. Had Buck not been privy to the whole situation firsthand he wouldn’t have guessed that Eddie had so much on his mind. Buck caught himself looking at Eddie every now and then. Only once did Eddie hold his gaze for a significant amount of time. Buck had no clue where his train of thought was as the man gave nothing away.

He takes a seat on the bench table, his feet resting where one would ordinarily sit. He drops his head into his hands. He hasn’t been stressed like this in so long, if ever. It’s overwhelming and makes him feel sick to his stomach with nerves. He tries to find comfort in two things: Eddie’s assurance that this wouldn’t be a bad conversation and Maddie’s words from the other day saying that this was going to be harder on Eddie than on him.

He can feel tears forming in his eyes already from the anxiety and he does his best pull himself together. He hears a faint sound that soon grows, his head snapping up to see Eddie opening the sliding door that leads to the backyard. He’s backlit from the light inside the house and it brings Buck back to the very first time he came over to the Diaz home. There was no way he could have seen the trajectory they would carve out between then and now. For all the highs and lows he’s felt over grappling with his attraction to Eddie, he wouldn’t undo a single second of it.

He sits up but doesn’t move. Eddie lingers at the door a moment before crossing the yard and sitting beside him wordlessly. They sit in silence for a time. Buck counts the seconds.

“I think the best way to start this is with an apology,” Eddie says after a moment. He turns to look at Buck who follows suit.

Looking at Eddie full on like this, he can see the man has shed the façade he had up during dinner. This is a raw, unedited version of Eddie before him. Buck can feel the unease coming off of Eddie but he isn’t deterred. The fact that Eddie even breached the conversation first means a lot.

“Buck, I’m sorry for today, for hurting you like I know I did. Your face in the car—I...I don’t ever want to be responsible for causing that again. You’re my best friend. The last thing I want is for you to be unhappy. Knowing that you are now and because of me? It’s been eating me up all night. You deserve so much better than that.”

Eddie looks away and down at his hands which are steepled. Buck wants so badly to reach out and hold onto one of them but he keeps himself in check. They’re still well into the early stages of this talk and he doesn’t want to run any chance of scaring Eddie off or moving things too fast.

“I panicked earlier and it sounds just as ridiculous saying it out loud as it has sounded in my head all evening.”

“But why though? Why does this scare you so much?” Buck asks. “Is it because it’s me?”

Eddie is quick to dispel that thought. “It’s got nothing to do with you, not like that anyway.” He sighs and looks up at the night sky.

Buck follows his gaze, peering up as well. How strange, Buck thinks, to really be reminded that there’s a whole universe out there when everything he’s ever wanted is sitting right beside him.

“You’re the last thing I was expecting to find out here,” Eddie continues, fixing his focus back on Buck. “At best I thought I’d meet some interesting people at work. Maybe find someone I could hang out with every now and then, I don’t know. But then there you were my first day, really looking out for me and every day since then, it’s been just like that. And not just with me but with Chris too and that means more than I could ever say.”

Buck mulls over his words, trying to find the problem. “If you ended up with more than you expected, how is that a bad thing?”

Eddie frowns and rubs the back of his neck. “When you say it like that, it makes sense.” He pauses and sighs. “What I was trying to say in the car before is that I really like you, Buck. I don’t think I’ve done a very good job of hiding that though I’ve been trying to.”

Buck scoffs, not unkindly. “You did a great job of it, believe me.”

“I’m both unapologetic and sorry at the same time,” he says. “I didn’t mean to leave you wondering like that but I also I had to protect myself.”

“From me? Did you really think I could ever hurt you?” Panic grips Buck, this fear that he’s somehow been giving Eddie a negative impression this whole time.

Eddie shakes his head. “One of the first things I learned about you was that you liked being casual—”

“That’s not me anymore, Eddie. That was months ago. You know that I haven’t been with anyone since then.”

Eddie holds up a hand and nods. “I know. I know you’ve changed since then, seriously; I do.”

Buck settles back, relieved that his former self isn’t the image Eddie has of him now. Over the last few months, Buck has grown considerably and he’s proud of that. Buck 1.0 is a thing of the past and Buck has absolutely no intentions of reverting back. Meaningless hookups with people whose names he can barely even recall, it all amounted to nothing in the end. There’s only been one thing he’s been actively pursuing. Only one thing he genuinely wants.

“You’ve done a complete one-eighty since we met and it’s remarkable. But there was always this messed up voice in the back of my head that kept telling me that if I went for this, you’d get bored of my lifestyle. You’re young, nothing’s tying you down. Now’s the perfect time to do as you were before, you know? Going out there and meeting new people, hooking up, whatever. My life is totally different from that. It’s a hell of a lot quieter and maybe not that exciting. I just…I don’t know, I convinced myself that sooner or later you’d grow tired of this.”

“I love being around you.”

“I know. But things can change so easily. I’ve seen it happen before. I couldn’t stand it if it happened with you. What you like now, you may not like once you actually have it and you matter too much for me to lose.”

Buck falls silent then. He knows all too well what Eddie was up against in his marriage. Eddie’s past was something he couldn’t quite shake, try as he might. All Buck could do was hope that in time he’d be able to convince Eddie that history wouldn’t repeat itself. He has absolutely no desire to go back on this. He knows he’s in this for the long haul.

“I’m not changing my mind, Eddie. I’ve never been surer of anything.”

Eddie searches his face as if trying to decode his words but Buck couldn’t have made himself any clearer if he tried. There’s no hidden agenda or meaning at play. It’s the honest truth and he’ll repeat himself a million times tonight and every day if that’s what it takes to convince Eddie of his conviction.

“How long have you known?” Eddie asks.

“A while. I think I liked you from day one. You definitely had my attention since then, that’s for sure. Every day after that I just…couldn’t stop it from happening. I fell a little more each day and now it’s like—,” Buck stops short, letting loose a shaky breath.

“It’s like what?”

Buck forces himself to meet Eddie’s eyes. This is the true test here, seeing if he’s brave enough to say those three words that have been making him burst at the seams.

“It’s like this: I wake up every day and you’re the first thought on my mind. It’s like I can’t remember a time before you came into my life. It’s like I can’t even breathe when you’re away from.”

Buck’s eyes are filled to the brim with tears now, so much so that his vision of Eddie is blurred but that hardly matters. Buck supposes it might even be better this way. If the man’s reaction is a poor one, it’ll lessen the hurt somewhat not to know what his face looks like when he pushes their friendship past its brink.

“Eddie, I’m in love with you.” He swallows the lump in his throat, forcing the words out once more to keep from suffocating. “I love you. And I know, Eddie, I know this is the last thing you saw coming but I swear it’ll be alright.”

Buck feels like he’s losing it but he can’t help but to keep talking. So long as he continues making his stance clear, he figures he has a better chance of convincing Eddie that this is the path they were meant to walk down together. Certainly, he thinks, he can’t be the only one between them to think they truly stood a fighting chance.

“You and Chris…this life. I want all of it, every day. I don’t have much to give you in return but I’m hoping I can be enough.”

Buck thinks back to his inability to commit to a person longer than one night at a time. He’s come such a long way from then in a few months’ time. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine himself in a scenario like this, professing his love to another man and all out begging for him to see the potential of what they could be. But life was a funny thing and Buck was learning to roll with whatever it threw at him.

Compared to him, Eddie had a lifetime of experience. He’d been married, divorced, had a child. He was leaps and bounds ahead of him personally but Buck didn’t see that as a shortcoming. They were somehow still on even ground, bound by the fact that there was a shared pull to each other. Everything else could be figured out at a later date. The priority was focusing on the fact that they were chasing after the same dream, desperate for the very same goal.

“You’re more than enough. You’ve always been,” Eddie says as Buck wipes his face. When his vision clears, he sees that Eddie’s been crying too. The man’s face is wet but he doesn’t make any attempts just yet to clear it away. “That’s never been what scared me about making something of this. It was knowing that I could possibly have it all and finding some way to ruin it. You’re more than enough. I just worry I might not be for you.”

Eddie sniffs and wipes the back of his hand against his cheeks and runs his hand through his hair. He squares his shoulders and lets out a breath, his eyes locked onto Buck’s.

“I love you too, Buck. I love you and it terrifies me because it changes everything.” He shrugs and looks away but Buck won’t settle for that.

He reaches out a hand and holds onto Eddie’s, bringing it to his lips and kissing each knuckle gently. He looks to Eddie’s face, the man’s mouth agape at the gesture.

“Change isn’t always a bad thing, you know,” he murmurs, lowering their linked hands but not letting go.

Eddie smiles for the first time and Buck’s heart clenches in his chest. There’s just no getting over the sight, even at a time like this, perhaps especially. Tear-stained and flushed face, Eddie has never looked more beautiful to him.

“I think I’m starting to see that now,” Eddie says just as quietly.

Buck holds his breath as Eddie’s free hand tentatively touches his face as he leans in. The man is so careful with him as if Buck is a precious thing. Buck searches Eddie’s eyes. All he can see in them is unbridled passion and longing. Eddie’s heart is calling out to him and Buck is right there to answer.

The moment Eddie’s lips touch his, Buck is grateful for the fact that they’re already sitting. Every cell in his body responds and he feels like a machine that’s been overloaded. His mouth moves over Eddie’s as if this is nothing new, so quickly the two fall into a natural rhythm. But he takes a moment to savor the feel, to allow himself to live so wholly in this exchange. Eddie’s fingers brush along his cheek and Buck is convinced he's going to burst into flames on the spot. Their kiss grows from tentative to deep, soft sounds leaving the pair of them.

This kiss is beyond anything Buck has been picturing over the last few weeks. His hands roam Eddie’s frame, journeying across his back and up to his shoulders, his hands soon working their way through the man’s hair. All of this is his and, in turn, Eddie learns his body too. Buck shivers as Eddie’s nails scratch lightly against his back. As warm as it is outside, he feels goose bumps rise on his arms. Only because he needs a clean breath does Buck pull away after a bit. Eddie chases after his lips before opening his eyes slowly and looking at Buck.

Buck greets him with a shy smile, in awe of what’s just transpired between them.

“We’re really doing this, aren’t we?” Eddie says, his voice so light and carefree. Buck just wants to bottle it up, keep it as a memento, proof that such joy between them was always possible.

He strokes Eddie’s cheek, watching as the man’s lashes flutter. It’s almost too much for Buck to take. He leans in and kisses Eddie’s forehead, simply glad that now this is something he can do from here on out. He lingers for a moment before shifting and letting their foreheads touch.

“Looks like it. You’re stuck with me.”

Eddie laughs and the sound, like everything else about Eddie, strikes the perfect chord in Buck’s heart.

“Lucky me.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first multi-chapter fic for buddie. i hope you guys like it so far! if so, please feel free to comment and/or like. thank you so much! catch me on tumblr @terryjeffordss xo


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